mathematics is the science of avoiding intercourse with women

If Crudder ever makes "Proven Ways to Prevent Sex" into a book (and hot damn he should) then I hope I get to write the introduction. In high school I narrowly thwarted the advances of a psycho who demanded, "MICHELLE WHAT TURNS YOU ON!" and I answered, "salad."

Salad is unsexy.

Another good one is to say you get a lot of nosebleeds. You don't even have to elaborate; it just works. And if you think things are getting close and too-sexy, cry out, "nosebleed!" every few minutes and then say, "false alarm." It couldn't hurt to stick a wet Kleenex up your nose too. That's unsexy.

As it turns out, there is a right way and a wrong way to react when you learn that your friend and her boyfriend are a) swingers, and b) trying to get you to come home with them.

PSA: It can backfire when you lie and say you can't come back to the sexy couple's home for wild threesomes because you have an STI (STD). I wasn't really expecting "I have the Clap!" to be a turn-on.

P.S. I don't have the Clap.