The waiting is killing me.* Every day it's like I'm checking casualty reports for the name of my war-bound fiance. It's even hurting how I interact with Karma; since I accidentally burnt off that hipster's eyebrow** and threw my gum on the ground and slammed the front door in the faces of those two Jehovah's witnesses who said, "we know you're Jewish and we mean no disrespect for the way you like to believe BUT--"*** . . . and when I coulda shared that joint I smoked and I haven't hung out with half of those good people lately . . .

Shit, man, everything is going into the guilt factory these days. Not to mention that short story I wrote about how my bike got stolen, and the subheading therein, Karma only proves itself when it wants to screw you. But I suppose once I wrote Why God is a Capitalist Fuck I was on a roll.

So like all those submissions to literary contests, bad essays, and other job applications sent up the river, I enclose the following: one coupon for two-for-one slices at Pizza Pizza.**** Please, job, accept it as a bribe, and call me soon with good news.

Addendum to last post:

The as-yet-unnamed baby boy is no longer as-yet-unnamed (and forgive me kiddo if I mess this up on the canon that is Help! Bats! Everywhere!): Maxwell Ronald Dwayne Stuart-Darlington. Think of the possibilities! Congratulations again to Tanya and Matt.

Notes on the Above:
*The waiting: For the last week the song, "The Waiting" by Tom Petty has been in my head. A not altogether bad thing.

**since I accidentally burnt off that hipster's eyebrow: See previous entry. I feel really bad about it, since it was an accident and all, but I think that remorse is negated when you still find it so damn funny. Also I keep saying it was the best part of the night.

***two Jehovah's Witnesses: Was it really that bad for me to slam the door in their faces? Even as a secular, atheist, non-practicing Jewish girl (whose favourite meal is bacon and eggs), I find it audacious to go door to door in a Jewish area, on a Saturday (hint hint--Sabbath), note the mezuzah and give the Jewish Speech to whoever opens the door. Ezra said it was quite rude of me--I agree. There's a really great story about Jehovah's Witnesses who used to come to his house in Guelph where he, a Jew, lives with an ex-Christian out-and-flaming guy and two Buddhists. What a field day!

****one coupon for two-for-one slices at Pizza Pizza: This has been used as a bribe many times before. Esteemed literary publications, activist journals, zines, and book publishers have all been prey to the saucy bribe. Only I know who stood to their principles and sent the coupons back, no matter how tempting they may have been. And this information, Stumblers, I take with me to the grave.